Bizarre Webcomic

This is a deleted entry from my latest article at Cracked, The 7 Biggest Dick Moves in the History of Superheroes. I’m guessing they cut it because it involves Aquaman, and everyone already knows Aquaman is an asshole. Here it goes:

#8. Aquaman Is Mean To Seals

The only thing more undignified than being Aquaman is being Aquaman’s sidekick. Sidekicking by itself is a degrading profession: sidekicking under Aquaman is like cleaning toilets at a butt plug factory. That’s why it’s not surprising that Aquaman’s first sidekick ever was a freaking seal.

What’s surprising if that they ever let him work with humans.

Before hooking up with Aqualad (the underwater Robin), Aquaman’s first recurrent partner was a seal named “Ark” whose superpower was… being a seal, and saying “Ark” a lot. Also, the ability to put himself in ridiculously dangerous situations to save Aquaman’s ass. One time Ark threw himself from the top of a circus tent to disarm a guy pointing a gun at Aquaman, presumably breaking every bone in his body in the process.

Without Ark, Aquaman wouldn’t have lasted two issues.

When Aquaman considered taking his own life before being turned into a sideshow freak, good old Ark was right there by his side the whole time. The two were pretty close to making some sort of suicide pact.

“I’m, uh, actually pretty OK with being gaped at…”

Of course, the question is: Did Ark do these things because he actually wanted to, or because Aquaman used his (otherwise pretty useless) control over sea creatures to force him? It was apparently the latter, because as soon as Aquaman let him out of his sight Ark fucked off to Canada. Ark lived in peace for a while, even starting a family, until one day Aquaman tracked him down and beat up his children.

“Rk! Rk!” actually translates to “Run, children!”

Seriously, in this story Ark’s son Blackie freaks the fuck out upon seeing Aquaman (he probably grew up hearing horror stories about the guy), who proceeds to chase him across several countries. At one point, Aquaman saves Blackie from a hunter by using Blackie to punch him.

“This is how you save people, right?”

Later, when he finally catches Blackie, he commands Ark to spank the kid while the rest of the family watch in horror.

“I’m–I’m sorry son!!! I can’t control it!!!” “I KNOW DAD!!! I LOVE YOOOOU!!!”

But Aquaman’s abusive treatment of seals didn’t end there — this is what happened when he tried to train another seal to be his helper (we’re guessing Ark moved to the Middle East or something):

“You’re like the Aquaman of seals!”

Aquaman doesn’t hesitate to let the seal know how utterly inept he thinks he is, and even considers kicking him out of Aquaman’s exclusive underwater school for sea animals (which believe it or not isn’t something I just made up).

“You’re making me reconsider my undersea teaching vocation.”

In an unexpected twist, the same seal later saves Aquaman from being murdered by pirates, proving that seals in general are far more competent crimefighters than he is.

Then again so are chairs.

While the seal takes down a criminal organization, Aquaman stands by and commentates.

It turns out that the seal was intentionally failing Aquaman’s course because he wanted to be kicked out. Aquaman deduces that he must have been doing that to help a friend get in, but the truth is obvious: Everyone just hates Aquaman.

“Awwww, shit.”

More Cracked articles by me: http://www.cracked.com/members/Mxy/