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Hi, as you might know I write for Cracked sometimes. This is a rejected article and I hope you will enjoy it. It’s called “5 Scientific Reasons You Are Thinking Of Poop Right Now”.

5. I Just Said You Are Thinking Of Poop

As soon as you read the title of this article, you started thinking of poop. Even if you didn’t literally imagine a stinking turd, the word “poop” had to at least flash through your brain as you read the title, so technically you’re thinking of poop.

4. We Were Just Talking About Poop

The previous entry in this list was about poop, therefore the topic is still in your mind. Scientific studies have found that when people read an article about something, they will usually think about that thing. Like if the article is about pineapples, you have to at least picture a pineapple at some point.

3. You Are Obsessed With Poop, Apparently

You have thought about poop at least twice in the past minute. That means you have an unhealthy obsession with the subject and probably think about poop all the time. You might even start seeing the word “poop” in places where it really isn’t.

2. Poop Poop Poop Poop Poop Poop

Poop poop poop, poop poop. Poop poop poop poop poop poop — poop poop poop. Poop, poop poop poop poop. Poop.

1. There’s A Pretty Good Chance You’re Making Some At The Moment

Or at least sitting in the toilet in the general vicinity of poop. Don’t try pretend you aren’t. Don’t insult me like that. You’re sick. You disgust me. Wait hold on I’m done pooping now, I can finish this article.