Archive for ‘Blog’
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I am back from my vacation, I think. I’ll probably start posting lots of comics every day from now on, but maybe not. Probably will. But maybe not. There are over 800 of them sitting here in my computer, after all. I guess I could just post them all at the same time, on the same day, but I really can’t be arsed.
Anyway, it is likely (but maybe not) that all 800 and something will be posted by the end of the month (in all likelihood), and then I guess I’ll continue making new ones. And putting them here, of course.
Maybe.
“Alfred,” said Batman to Alfred. He was not looking at Alfred, and yet you could tell he was talking to him because there was no one else in the room. “I’m going out.”
Alfred seemed rather alarmed. “But Master Bruce–!”
Batman turned around, stopping Alfred with his stare. “The cowl is on. Bruce Wayne is not here.”
Alfred sighed, then resumed being alarmed. “But Batman–!”
“Don’t get too familiar. I’m still your employer.”
“But Master Batman! You can’t go out!”
Batman gritted his teeth. Sometimes he wondered how it was possible for Alfred to know him for so long, and yet understanding him so little. The truth is, nobody could understand. “Don’t tell me what to do, Alfred. You are not my father. My father is dead, killed by criminals. So now I avenge his death by dressing like a bat.”
“No, I meant you can’t go out because you don’t have your trousers on.”
Batman glanced downwards, looking for his pants. They weren’t there.
“They’re still in the dryer,” Alfred continued. “If you give me a minute I’ll bring the iron and–”
“I knew that. I’m going out anyway. Prepare the car.”
“Yes, sir. The Aston Martin, sir?”
“No, the OTHER car…”
“Sir, the Chevrolet is at the shop.”
“No! No! The OTHER car!” Alfred stared at him, blankly. “The one shaped like bat!!”
“Ohhhhh…” Alfred nodded. “I don’t really think of it as a car. It’s more of a novelty item.”
“Shut up and do what I say,” Batman said, using his special voice. He usually reserved it for criminals, but Alfred was being pretty criminal-like today, what with all the hurtful remarks.
*****
“YOU ARE GOING TO DIE. TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOU,” said the lowlife criminal to the lady he was holding at gunpoint. The lady wondered if it was a good time to break wind, then decided it was always a good time to break wind. The lowlife criminal noticed, but being a gentleman, he didn’t mention anything.
“Not on my watch,” came a voice from behind. The criminal turned around upon hearing the word ‘watch’, since that was what he specialized on (it was the lady’s ROLEX what caught his attention, but he was soon disappointed to find out it was an imitation).
Batman stood directly behind the lowlife criminal, his cape opened to reveal the chequered boxers and pale legs undernearth. The lowlife criminal started rolling on the floor, laughing. The lady would have joined him, but she was feeling rather self-conscious, having just pooped herself a little.
Batman looked at the criminal, puzzled. “What is wrong with him?” he wondered. “Must be Joker gas.”
“…he’s dressed like a bat…” the lowlife criminal remarked, his eyes beginning to tear up from laughing too much. Batman’s eyes did the same, for completely different reasons.
This is a deleted entry from my latest article at Cracked, The 7 Biggest Dick Moves in the History of Superheroes. I’m guessing they cut it because it involves Aquaman, and everyone already knows Aquaman is an asshole. Here it goes:
#8. Aquaman Is Mean To Seals
The only thing more undignified than being Aquaman is being Aquaman’s sidekick. Sidekicking by itself is a degrading profession: sidekicking under Aquaman is like cleaning toilets at a butt plug factory. That’s why it’s not surprising that Aquaman’s first sidekick ever was a freaking seal.
More Fun Comics #91
What’s surprising if that they ever let him work with humans.
Before hooking up with Aqualad (the underwater Robin), Aquaman’s first recurrent partner was a seal named “Ark” whose superpower was… being a seal, and saying “Ark” a lot. Also, the ability to put himself in ridiculously dangerous situations to save Aquaman’s ass. One time Ark threw himself from the top of a circus tent to disarm a guy pointing a gun at Aquaman, presumably breaking every bone in his body in the process.
More Fun Comics #84
Without Ark, Aquaman wouldn’t have lasted two issues.
When Aquaman considered taking his own life before being turned into a sideshow freak, good old Ark was right there by his side the whole time. The two were pretty close to making some sort of suicide pact.
More Fun Comics #84
“I’m, uh, actually pretty OK with being gaped at…”
Of course, the question is: Did Ark do these things because he actually wanted to, or because Aquaman used his (otherwise pretty useless) control over sea creatures to force him? It was apparently the latter, because as soon as Aquaman let him out of his sight Ark fucked off to Canada. Ark lived in peace for a while, even starting a family, until one day Aquaman tracked him down and beat up his children.
More Fun Comics #107
“Rk! Rk!” actually translates to “Run, children!”
Seriously, in this story Ark’s son Blackie freaks the fuck out upon seeing Aquaman (he probably grew up hearing horror stories about the guy), who proceeds to chase him across several countries. At one point, Aquaman saves Blackie from a hunter by using Blackie to punch him.
More Fun Comics #107
“This is how you save people, right?”
Later, when he finally catches Blackie, he commands Ark to spank the kid while the rest of the family watch in horror.
More Fun Comics #107
“I’m–I’m sorry son!!! I can’t control it!!!” “I KNOW DAD!!! I LOVE YOOOOU!!!”
But Aquaman’s abusive treatment of seals didn’t end there — this is what happened when he tried to train another seal to be his helper (we’re guessing Ark moved to the Middle East or something):
Adventure Comics #225
“You’re like the Aquaman of seals!”
Aquaman doesn’t hesitate to let the seal know how utterly inept he thinks he is, and even considers kicking him out of Aquaman’s exclusive underwater school for sea animals (which believe it or not isn’t something I just made up).
Adventure Comics #225
“You’re making me reconsider my undersea teaching vocation.”
In an unexpected twist, the same seal later saves Aquaman from being murdered by pirates, proving that seals in general are far more competent crimefighters than he is.
Adventure Comics #225
Then again so are chairs.
Adventure Comics #225
While the seal takes down a criminal organization, Aquaman stands by and commentates.
It turns out that the seal was intentionally failing Aquaman’s course because he wanted to be kicked out. Aquaman deduces that he must have been doing that to help a friend get in, but the truth is obvious: Everyone just hates Aquaman.
Adventure Comics #225
“Awwww, shit.”
More Cracked articles by me: http://www.cracked.com/members/Mxy/
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